August is that glorious, chaotic time of year when Edinburgh’s population doubles and its collective sanity halves, and, with it, an avalanche of gags, puns and high-concept performance art. But the true measure of the festival is found in the one-liners and punchlines. Here are some of the funniest lines from Max Fulham, Becky Umbers, Olaf Falafel, Jessica Fostekew, Ben Pope, Amelia Hamilton, Stuart Laws, Bella Hull and more.
“It’s funny, what you get from each parent. From my dad, I got curly hair, and from my mum, I got an upbringing.” Tamar Broadbent: Plus OneCounting House, Ballroom
“My grandad used to dress up as Santa every Christmas, which was always a double-edged sword. I was like I’m buzzing Santa’s here, but where’s Grandad? Of all the days to walk out on his family…” Stuart McPherson: Crisps and a Lie Down, Monkey Barrel, Cabaret Voltaire
“The cost of living crisis has hit all of us hard. I’m so broke that this morning for my breakfast I had a lie in.” Aaron Wood: More To Life, Hoots, The Apex
“My nan keeps a spreadsheet of everyone who’s ever wronged her and why. She’s an Excel bully.” Bella Hull: Doctor’s Hate Her, Monkey Barrel, Hive 2
“People say I’m a bad parent but I work so hard to put food on the table. Admittedly my wife pays for the food and cooks it but it’s really important to me that I’m the one who puts it on the table.” Joz Norris: You Wait. Time Passes, Pleasance Dome (10Dome)
“My parents were hippies so we had a copy of the anarchist’s cookbook on the shelf — which was fine till I went to World Book Day as a petrol bomb. And I was wearing my Star of David. The teacher asked what have you come as. I said ‘a Mazel Tov Cocktail’” Josh Elton: Away with the Fairies, Hoots at The Apex (Hoots 4)
“The pyramids are so good people think aliens built it. You see Stonehenge and think, I could do that.” Jacob Nussey: Primed, Pleasance Courtyard (Bunker Three)
“I have a tendency to be pessimistic. And I don’t see that changing any time soon.” Lulu Popplewell: Love Love, Underbelly George Square (Buttercup)
“Bono has just announced a new tour with Paul Chuckle: To me, U2.” Max Fulham: Full of Ham, Pleasance Courtyard (Cellar)
“If you don’t know what ‘radio’ is, it’s like a true crime podcast where the crime is playing Ed Sheeran twice an hour.” James Barr: Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum), Underbelly George Square (Buttercup)
“Growing up, my chance to come out was ruthlessly torn away from me by my voice and personality.” Will Owen: Looking Fab At Fifty, Assembly Roxy (RoxyBoxy)
“I love Madame Tussauds: finally an answer to the question ‘what would Hitler look like if he was a candle?’” Rohan Sharma: Mad Dog, Pleasance Courtyard
“My mum often comments on my weight but in her defence, in the time she’s known me I’ve put on nearly 16 stone.” Burt Williamson: 104kg of Pure Banter, Voodoo Rooms
“It took me exactly 24 years, 11 months, 3 days, 42 minutes and 5 seconds to realise I was gay. I mark it by a text I sent my best friend: “I think I am flirting with a girl.” She replied, ‘How do you know’ ‘She’s just moved in.’ … We’re now engaged.” Courtney Buchner: Big, If True. Gilded Balloon
“Your dolphin may be recorded for training porpoises.” Olaf Falafel: Olaf Falafel asks: Orange You Glad?
“Always wanted a tattoo but was scared that I’d change my mind and regret ever telling my mum I loved her,” Stuart Laws: Stuart Laws is Stuck, Monkey Barrel (Tron)
“I got a colonoscopy and it was amazing watching the doctor manoeuvre a camera up my colon like a bomb disposal expert. Sadly he then removed it like a magician pulling a tablecloth off to leave the glasses on the table.” Carl Donnelly: Another Round, Monkey Barrel
“I think if Bruce Wayne really wanted to help society maybe instead of becoming Batman he should have just donated some of his money. Maybe the other guy wouldn’t have become the Joker if there was a well-funded theatresports programme.” Eli Matthewson: Night Terror, Underbelly George Square
“‘Do you KNOW whose my father is?’ said a pretentious orphan.” Jamie Lee: My Friend Katy, Pleasance Courtyard (Cabaret Bar)
“I had a DM saying: ‘I hope you die of one of your non-binary genital diseases.’ What is a non-binary genital disease? Oh! Herpes, He/pes. They/pes!” James Barr: Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum), Underbelly George Square (Buttercup)
“I don’t like it when gay porn sites use the rainbow flag. I’m incapable of simultaneously feeling pride and shame.” Steffan Alun: Stand Up, The Apex (Hoots 4)
“I went to the last Celtic-Rangers women’s match, it was just nice to hear sectarian singing in tune.” Marc Jennings: Bread and Circuses, Monkey Barrel
“I watch a lot of videos of Muhammad Ali in reverse, or as I like to call them: Un-boxing videos.” Max Fulham: Full of Ham, Pleasance Courtyard (Cellar)
“My dad says a real man stands on his own two feet. So we sold his wheelchair.” Marc Burrows: The Britpop Hour, Underbelly Bristo Square (Dairy Room)
“I have my own place, thank you, I’m very successful … at having my nan die.” James Barr: Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum), Underbelly George Square (Buttercup)
“I’ve been Indian all of my life, and Hindu all of my lives,” Rohan Sharma: Mad Dog, Pleasance Courtyard (Below)
“Elon Musk is the most divorced guy in the world. He literally bought an app and changed its logo from a bird to an X.” Marc Jennings: Bread and Circuses, Monkey Barrel (Monkey Barrel 4)
“I’m jealous of people who get to use urinals because I’ve heard there’s cake.” Adele Cliff: Adele, Adele, Adele … Cliff it isn’t the Consequences of My Own Actions, Just the Tonic at The Mash House (Just the Cask)
“I woke up from the coma on Christmas Eve. People kept saying, ‘You being alive is the best present we could ask for.’ … I know what they’re getting next year.” Molly McGuinness: Slob, Monkey Barrel (Cabaret Voltaire 2)
“How do you turn a carrot into another vegetable? Hold it over a flame until it’s chard.” Ali Brice: Eric Meat Gets the Chop, Carbon (Room 1)
“I have a conspiracy theory, Santa is real — but there’s no good kids left.” Becky Umbers: Put that Cat Back in the Bag, Assembly Roxy (Snug Bar)
“Elton once rang down to a hotel reception because ‘the wind was too loud’. This is why I only stay in motorway Travelodges. Can’t hear the wind over the sound of the lorry drivers having sex with each other.” Jess Robinson: Your Song, Assembly George Square Gardens (Piccolo)
“I’m not posh — I remember the first time someone asked if I had a bidet. I said, ‘Yeah, 13th September, every year!’” Ian Smith: Foot Spa Half Empty, Monkey Barrel (Monkey Barrel 1)
“I hate confident people. All my friends have anxiety disorders, which is great because if you do a no-show they think it’s their fault.” Dan Rath: Tropical Depression, Monkey Barrel
“If I’m using the Google web browser, I like to dress in red, yellow, green and blue. When in Chrome …” Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, Haldane Theatre at the Space (Surgeons’ Hall)
“The French are so racist, they’re the only people that get angry when their football team wins a match.” Hasan Al Habib: Death To The West (Midlands), Pleasance Below
“Critics of my writing style wouldn’t know a good metaphor if it slapped them on the wrist with a crisp.” Jazz Emu: The Pleasure Is All Yours, Pleasance Dome (Queen Dome)
“I said to the woman at the pet shop, ‘I was here last week, and bought my aunt a South American camel.’ She said, ‘A llama?” I said, ‘She was petrified.’” Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, Haldane Theatre at the Space (Surgeons’ Hall),
“It’s weird that we don’t have a collective gender-neutral terms for nieces and nephews, like we do for parents, siblings, and auntcles.” Rajiv Karia: Man Alive! Pleasance (Bunker 2)
“I have a PhD in Oncology. Someone asked if that meant I could read their star sign. I said, only if it’s cancer.” Hasan Al Habib: Death To The West (Midlands), Pleasance (Below)
“From an early age, gay men seek validation and success so that by the time they come out people think: ‘Yes, Alan’s a sodomite, terrible, but he did crack that Nazi code!’” Pedro Leandro: Soft Animal, Pleasance (Bunker 2)
“I met a spy once. I said, ‘MI5?’ He said, ‘You look 47.’” Lorna Rose Treen: 24 Hour Diner People, Pleasance (Beyond)
“I’ve got a controversial joke about Winnie the Pooh … Tigger warning.” Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, Haldane Theatre at the Space (Surgeons’ Hall)
“As an English-Cambodian man, I would say that inside of me there are two wolves. One has a history of genocide and so does the other.” James Trickey, Pleasance (Cellar)
“I’ve been trying to improve my vocabulary because right now it’s bad. It’s just bad. It’s really, really bad.” James Trickey, Pleasance (Cellar)
“NCT is where you get together with other expectant parents and learn about birth and how to look after a baby, then when all the babies are born you meet up again to work out who has the best baby.” Lily Phillips: Crying, Monkey Barrel (Monkey Barrel 2)
“Donald Trump is not like Hitler, Hitler served in the military. Trump is more like Bin Laden, both used their dad’s money to f*** up New York’s skyline.” Jena Friedman: MotherF*cker, Monkey Barrel (Hive 1)
“I’m not nostalgic. I used to be, though. Those were the days.” Rajiv Karia: Man Alive! Pleasance (Bunker 2)
“My four-year-old godson’s idols are Legend from Gladiators, Godzilla and a billionaire YouTube business-child called Mr Beast. It’s a worry, isn’t it, when a little boy’s least toxic influence is Godzilla.” Jessica Fostekew: Iconic Breath, Monkey Barrel (Monkey Barrel 3)
“I’ve not faced much racism, the only time I’ve ever been called radical I was just skateboarding really well.” Rohan Sharma: Mad Dog, Pleasance Courtyard (Below)
“Age is all about perspective isn’t it? I’m 32 — a fine wine. Or a dangerous yoghurt.” Ben Pope: The Cut, Assembly George Square (The Box)
“I’ve been getting really bad headaches ever since I got hit with a tambourine. The doctor thinks I might be suffering from percussion.” Olaf Falafel asks: Orange You Glad?, Pear Tree
“Last time I had an STI test they started texting me some really negative things, which was a relief.” Stuart Laws Is Stuck, Monkey Barrel (Tron)
“I love getting Latin chat-up lines. I carpe every DM.” Amelia Hamilton: Forget Me Not, Pleasance Courtyard (Attic)
“I’ve recently become a mother … to my parents.” Sikisa: Serving Justice, Monkey Barrel (Tron)
“Do people that get vasectomies tell their children about it? I feel like the message you’re conveying is, ‘I love you, but the thought of raising another you has made me decommission my testicles.”
Carl Donnelly: Another Round, Monkey Barrel (Hive 1)
“I saw a lion and a witch trying to carry a huge wardrobe into the house next door. I asked what they were up to, they said, ‘Narnia business’.” Olaf Falafel asks: Orange You Glad?, Pear Tree
“Recently I got a therapist. Yawn. That’s her name, she’s Swedish.” Bella Hull: Doctors Hate Her, Monkey Barrel (Hive 2)
“My girlfriend wanted to try ethical non-monogamy, but it sounds like a lot of responsibility and I’m not sure if I’m ready to explain who she is to the wife.” Sam Nicoresti: Baby Doomer, Pleasance Courtyard (Bunker 2)
“The language you speak affects the way you think. For example, in Welsh, we don’t have a word for an English person that isn’t a slur.” Steffan Alun: Stand Up, The Apex (Hoots 4)
“I like to think I’m a modern Scottish man, which means I air-fry my Mars bars.” Marc Jennings: Bread and Circuses, Monkey Barrel (Monkey Barrel 4)