We spend roughly a third of our lives unconscious and vulnerable, which tells you something important — if evolution could have engineered a way around sleep, it would have. It hasn’t.
If you struggle with sleep, the idea that some people fall into it without a thought might be mind-blowing. Perhaps you approach bedtime with a quiet dread, already bracing for a battle?
Sleep is not a competition. It is a rhythm — imperfect, human and, when given half a chance, remarkably resilient. What we might need is less panic and more perspective, which I hope the answers to these questions will bring.
How much sleep do we really need? Is it really eight hours? If you’re fed up with tossing and turning, psychotherapist Heather Darwall-Smith has the answers to all your sleep problems
For most adults, the answer sits somewhere between seven and nine hours. This is not because it is a rule but because large population studies consistently link that range with better physical health, steadier mood and sharper cognition.
The first part of the night contains more deep, physically restorative sleep. The second half holds more REM sleep, linked with memory and emotional processing. Regularly cutting sleep short often means losing that later REM-rich portion.
What’s the least sleep our brains can survive on?
Sleep is patchier than we imagine. Many people who feel awake for hours are drifting in and out of light sleep. Light sleep can feel remarkably wakeful. That is one reason insomnia feels so convincing.
What often gets overlooked is resilience. A few unsettled nights will not undo your health. The better question is not, “What is the minimum I can survive on?” but “Am I functioning reasonably well?” If your thinking is clear, your mood broadly steady and you are not battling overwhelming daytime sleepiness, you are probably close to your personal need.
Some people genuinely feel well on seven hours. Others need closer to nine. It might surprise you to realise that your sleep need might be quite different from your partner’s.
True natural short sleepers — those who thrive long-term on very little sleep — do exist, but they are rare. Most of us who believe we have adapted to four or five hours have simply adapted to feeling slightly below our best.
I can’t get my teenager out of bed. Does he really need more sleep than me?
Sleep needs shift across the lifespan. Teenagers need eight to ten hours and their body clocks naturally shift later during adolescence. When they can’t fall asleep early, it’s usually biology — they just aren’t sleepy until later. As we age, sleep becomes lighter and more fragile. You don’t necessarily need dramatically less of it, but it often feels lighter so you might think there is something wrong with it.
Life circumstances can also disrupt sleep — young children, caring roles, shift work. Some factors are outside your control. Even so, it helps not to dismiss sleep as optional.
In the end, the aim is not to chase a perfect number. It is to ask: am I functioning well enough for the life I am living? If the answer is broadly yes, you are likely getting close to the sleep you need.
Why do I always wake up at 3am?
It feels so personal, doesn’t it? It’s why, when I ask a room of people “Who wakes between 3 and 4am?”, there is palpable surprise when most hands go up. Waking at 3am is often entirely normal, but there are several reasons why it can become frequent or stubborn.
Sleep naturally becomes lighter in the second half of the night. That alone makes waking more likely. The key question is what happens next.
Do you turn over, perhaps get up briefly and then drift back to sleep? Or does your mind switch into maths mode: “It’s 3.18am. That’s only three hours left”? For many people, the clock becomes the problem. Checking the time can trigger stress, which nudges the body into alertness. Often, it is not the waking that keeps you up but the panic that follows.
Early waking can be shaped by stress, hormonal shifts, alcohol, temperature, ageing, environmental noise or simply habit. After a stretch of insomnia, the brain can learn that 3am is “awake time”.
Repeated waking alongside loud snoring, choking sensations, strong urges to move the legs or significant daytime sleepiness warrants medical advice.
Otherwise, remember that waking is normal. Rest still counts. Lying quietly and allowing the body to settle is not wasted time.
Why do I fall asleep on the sofa in front of the TV, yet can’t get to sleep when I go up to bed?
Many people do this. On the sofa there is no pressure. You are not trying to sleep. Your mind is elsewhere. The natural sleepiness that has been building quietly all evening is free to take over.
But once you get into bed, the stakes can rise. If your brain has started to associate the bed with effort, clock-watching or frustration, it stays alert. The brain is a fast learner. It links places with states. If the bed becomes a place of struggle, your body responds accordingly.
That is why working in bed — answering emails, scrolling, problem-solving — can slowly chip away at sleep. The boundary between rest and alertness blurs. You cannot force sleep and trying harder usually backfires.
What do I do if I just can’t get back to sleep?
If you have been awake for about 20 minutes, it can feel counterintuitive, but it is often better to get up. Let’s face it, you are not sleeping anyway, so rather than thrashing around in frustration, go and do something else — allow yourself time out. Keep the lights low. Do something neutral and mildly dull. Return only when you feel sleepy again. Over time, this gently retrains the brain to reconnect the bed with sleep rather than frustration.
Simple techniques can help the transition: slow, steady breathing; gradually tensing and releasing muscles; listening to something predictable and soothing. Turn the clock away and let go of the idea that you must sleep. Rest still has value.
Is it bad to always hit the snooze button?
In the morning, the snooze button is seductive, especially after a broken night. But each tap pulls you in and out of dozing. Light is a more powerful ally. Open the curtains. Let your brain wake cleanly. A steady wake-up time is one of the strongest anchors for better nights to come.
What can I do in the daytime to help my sleep?
Sleep does not operate in isolation. It is part of a wider body rhythm shaped by light, temperature, hormones and activity. You cannot simply decide to feel sleepy on cue. Bedtime is surprisingly hard to control. Wake time, however, is powerful.
Getting up at roughly the same time each day acts as an anchor for your body clock. Morning light tells the brain that the day has begun. That light sets off a chain reaction in the body that, many hours later, helps prepare you for sleep again
Will exercise help me to sleep better?
Movement during the day matters. It builds what we call “sleep pressure” — the natural tiredness that accumulates the longer you are awake. It does not have to be intense exercise. Walking, gardening and stretching all count. Regular movement strengthens the drive to sleep.
Should I nap? If so, for how long?
Naps can be helpful, especially a short 20 to 30-minute nap in the early afternoon. But long or late naps can take the edge off that built-up tiredness, particularly if you already struggle with insomnia.
Some life stages are simply more demanding. Shift work, caring for a baby, travelling across time zones can all disrupt the body clock. In those periods, the goal shifts from perfection to protection. Protect sleep where you can, take it in manageable chunks and lower your expectations. Most jet lag settles at roughly an hour per day as the body gradually adjusts.
Sleep is remarkably responsive to rhythm. When the days are steady, the nights often follow.
Are there any foods I should cut out to help sleep?
Food, drink and supplements are often the first places people look for answers. They do matter, just not usually in the dramatic way that social media promise.
Large, heavy meals are best finished two to three hours before bed. Digestion raises body temperature and can aggravate reflux, both of which can disturb sleep. At the same time, going to bed genuinely hungry can wake you. The aim is balance, not restriction.
Should I give up coffee?
Caffeine lingers longer than most of us realise. As a rough guide, stop five to six hours before bedtime — earlier if you know you are sensitive. Decaffeinated drinks can still contain tiny amounts, but for most people not enough to cause problems.
Is alcohol ruining my sleep?
You might be someone who likes a nightcap: alcohol can make you feel sleepy because it acts as a sedative. But sedation is not the same as natural sleep. Alcohol tends to reduce dreaming sleep early in the night and fragment the second half. It may help you drop off, but it often leads to lighter, less refreshing sleep later.
Do any natural remedies work?
Supplements, sprays and bedtime drinks often work more as ritual than remedy. Warm milk, chamomile or lavender can create a sense of calm, and that can be helpful, as can creating an inviting ambience in your room. Magnesium may support sleep if you are deficient but you need to make sure you use the correct one — ask a pharmacist for help. Melatonin can be useful for jet lag or shifting body-clock timing, but it is rarely a solution for ongoing insomnia. There is no single capsule that fixes sleep.
That said, expectation matters. If you believe something will help, your body can respond to that sense of reassurance. The difficulty comes when the effect depends entirely on belief and fades when doubt creeps in.
Can adjustments to my bedroom improve my sleep?
Your bedroom does not need to be perfect, but it does need to feel right to you. Dark, cool and quiet are good starting points. Just as important is how the room feels psychologically. If your bedroom has become associated with arguments, work, scrolling or frustration, your body may struggle to settle. The aim is to make it a place that signals safety and rest.
A small drop in body temperature is one of the cues that helps us fall asleep. As evening progresses, your core temperature naturally dips. If the room is too warm, that signal gets blurred. The body cannot cool efficiently and sleep becomes lighter and more restless. Most of us know how quickly a hot, stuffy room can turn into a long night.
Remove what activates you: bright lights, constant notifications, visible clocks that invite time-checking. Keep what feels calming and familiar.
Gadgets are not all bad. Some genuinely help. Ear plugs can transform a noisy environment. Blackout blinds are invaluable in summer. A sunrise alarm can make waking at a consistent time easier and gentler.
How much screen time should I allow myself in the evening?
Screens are not just about blue light. They stimulate the mind. Emails, news and scrolling delay wind-down. Aim to switch off 30 to 60 minutes before bed where possible.
Television is not automatically harmful. For some, it provides background noise that feels comforting. The difficulty is that shifting light and sound can fragment sleep once you drift off. If you use it, set a timer so it switches itself off.
Phones are particularly powerful. They offer connection, distraction and reassurance all in one device. They are also designed to keep your attention. There is no judgment in that. But if your phone keeps you alert or tempted to scroll, consider charging it outside the bedroom.
Protect your bed as a place for rest. When the room feels steady and predictable, your body is more likely to follow.
Should I use a sleep tracker?
Sleep trackers can be useful for spotting patterns, but if your sleep score starts determining your mood for the day, that is a sign that the tool is becoming the problem. Sometimes it is healthier to trust how you feel.
What would you say are the true essential conditions for good sleep?
In reality, the most reliable “natural” sleep supports are the least glamorous: steady wake times, morning light, regular daytime movement and a little space to process worries before bed. They are not exciting, but they are remarkably effective (and they will protect your bank balance).
Does sleep get worse with age and hormonal changes?
Sleep is not a fixed, unchanging state. It ebbs and flows. Some nights feel solid and restorative; others are lighter and more fragmented. That variation is part of being human.
Life stages matter. Hormones matter. Stress, ageing, work patterns, relationships — all influence how easily we fall asleep and how deeply we stay there. Across the menstrual cycle, during pregnancy, through perimenopause and beyond sleep can shift in tone and texture. With age, it often becomes lighter. That does not mean it is broken.
During perimenopause and menopause, fluctuating oestrogen can bring warmer nights, sudden flushes of heat and earlier waking. Many women describe feeling as though their sleep has “changed personality”. In many ways, it has — the hormonal backdrop has shifted.
Ageing more broadly brings its own adjustments. Sleep often becomes lighter, joints stiffen, old injuries make themselves known in the early hours. Bladder capacity may reduce, meaning more night-time trips to the bathroom. If you have always been a light sleeper, stress can amplify that sensitivity.
Sleep disorders also become more common with age. Obstructive sleep apnoea — where breathing pauses during the night — and persistent insomnia are both more frequently diagnosed later in life. The reassuring news is that they are identifiable and, in most cases, treatable.
The goal is not to expect perfect, unbroken nights. It is to understand the forces at play and manage them where you can. When you expect sleep to be flawless, every wobble feels alarming. When you accept that change is built in, you can respond with adjustment rather than panic.
How does the menstrual cycle affect sleep?
During the first half of the menstrual cycle, when oestrogen is rising and body temperature is slightly lower, many women notice their sleep feels steadier. In the days before a period, as hormone levels fluctuate and core temperature edges up, sleep can become lighter and more easily disturbed. You may wake more often, dream more vividly or feel less tolerant of discomfort. Pain alone can be enough to interrupt the night.
My partner and I have very different sleep patterns. Without sleeping separately, how can we resolve this?
Sleeping beside another human is not always simple. Differences in body temperature, rhythm, movement and noise can all disrupt rest.
Snoring, particularly if accompanied by choking or pauses in breathing, warrants medical assessment. In the meantime, ear plugs, white noise, side-sleeping and reducing late alcohol can help.
Separate duvets, larger mattresses or staggered bedtimes can reduce friction. It wouldn’t hurt, occasionally, to sleep separately. This can be a pragmatic, relationship-preserving solution. Sleep compatibility matters.
How do I know if my poor sleep is a serious health problem?
Most poor sleep is situational and responsive to small changes. But sometimes it settles in and becomes something more persistent.
Insomnia is the most common sleep disorder. It isn’t just a bad night here or there. It’s difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep or waking too early, alongside the daytime impact that follows such as irritability, foggy thinking and a dread of bedtime.
We often understand insomnia through the “three Ps”. First, a predisposing tendency: perhaps you’ve always been a thinker, someone whose mind runs fast. Then a precipitating stressor: illness, a new baby, work pressure, grief. In such instances, sleep wobbles, which is entirely understandable. But then come the perpetuating habits — the very human attempts to fix it. Going to bed earlier, lying in later, clock watching, trying hard to sleep. The original trigger may have passed but the pattern remains.
Is insomnia fixable?
The encouraging news is that, yes, insomnia is highly treatable. The most effective approach is cognitive behavioural therapy for insomnia, which gently retrains both behaviour and the anxious thought patterns that keep sleep stuck. It’s structured and evidence based. You can access it through trained clinicians, via your GP, in books and increasingly through reputable digital programmes.
Sleeping tablets have a role during acute stress, such as a bereavement or a crisis, when you simply need short-term relief. But they are not a long-term solution and they don’t address the underlying pattern.
Other sleep disorders also become more common with age. Obstructive sleep apnoea is often signalled by loud snoring and unrefreshing sleep. Restless legs syndrome creates an uncomfortable urge to move the legs at night. Circadian rhythm disorders shift sleep later or earlier than desired.
When to seek help
Seek medical advice if you have:
Loud snoring with breathing pauses
Persistent excessive daytime sleepiness
Falling asleep unintentionally
Major mood changes with sleep disruption
A sudden significant change in sleep
Very long sleep with ongoing exhaustion
Worsening restless legs
Sleep problems lasting over three months, at least three nights a week.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Sleep is not a performance. It is a biological rhythm that responds.
Further reading
The ADHD Sleep Book by Heather Darwall-Smith is a highly relevant resource for managing neurodivergent sleep issues in New Zealand. Available from Penguin Books NZ, it combines evidence-based science with practical, compassionate strategies to address chronic sleep difficulties, including delayed sleep phases and hyperarousal, rather than relying on standard, often ineffective, sleep advice.
To wake refreshed and sleep through the night in NZ, establish a consistent routine: get natural morning sunlight, exercise daily (but not right before bed), and keep the bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and screens before bed. For a deeper dive, see How To Be Awake (So You Can Sleep Through The Night), a practical guide from HarperCollins New Zealand.